Managing Up

3 minute read

Here’s the situation: My manager and I were aligned on a particular issue and how to handle it. When we went together to present our solution to our boss, my manager completely changed his stance. Suddenly, I felt abandoned, standing alone in a spotlight. I was stuck - I didn’t want to call out my manager in front of our boss, and I was left as the sole author of what was quickly becoming a very unpopular opinion. They both agreed to approach it differently and dismissed  “my solution” as weak. We closed our meeting, and I left, annoyed. 

I have learned when I’m mad, I’m not fit for human interaction. I’m not allowed to text, type, call, or confront. The only thing to do was take a walk or go home. So I did. 

As a self-diagnosed “deeply feeling” person, my rule of thumb is: if something aggravates me, sleep on it. If it still lingers, do something about it. The situation still lingered. I wasn’t upset about the decision - I can get behind almost anything with solid reasoning. What upset me was that my manager and I were not on the same team. I felt completely left out in the rain by him, with no umbrella. Trust is fundamental to producing great work together, and this felt like a big violation. 

I took another day to collect my thoughts and then stopped by his office. I said “I need to talk to you about our meeting with ____ the other day. I thought we had agreed to recommend ____ and was surprised when you disagreed. I’m not bothered by the outcome, but I felt very disconnected from you at that moment - like we were on two different teams. I value our partnership and needed to let you know how that meeting impacted me.” 

I shared my feedback with no expectations of a response or resolution. It was simply something I needed to say to live within my values and continue working with him without harboring resentment. Thankfully, he received my feedback graciously and apologized for how the events unfolded, recognizing the impact on me. Through this, we gained even more trust and respect for each other moving forward. 

Managing up and giving feedback like this can be hard. The key in this situation is trust. I trusted my manager, which created an environment where I felt I could bring this type of situation to his attention without fear of his reaction or any potential retaliation. I focused my feedback on the situation, what happened, and the impact on me. This approach helps avoid making judgments about the person’s intelligence, common sense, innate goodness, or other personal attributes (Radical Candor, pg 137). 

Have you ever had to manage up and/or deliver feedback like this? Does your manager provide space for giving feedback? Alternatively, if you are a manager, are you creating an environment of trust and openness? We’d love to hear from you!